The stories we tell ourselves have power.

I have decided to practice awareness of the story I am telling myself. I have decided to practice awareness of what my thoughts are creating for me. I have decided to practice choosing my thoughts intentionally and creating the feelings I want to feel.

I have realized that sometimes I take what someone else says about me and make it my “truth.” I start telling myself a story about myself based on what someone else thinks, but that is just the story they are telling. I have come to realize that I can decide what I make what they said mean. Just because they think I am being inconsiderate or that I overreacted or I was unkind or I messed up or they don’t like what I did or did not do, what they say and how they respond is based on their thoughts about me. I cannot control what anyone else thinks. I can only control what I think. I must choose to believe that God loves me. He is for me and with me. He says I am enough therefore I can believe I am enough no matter what anyone else thinks. I must choose to tell myself a positive good uplifting story regardless of the story someone else is choosing to tell themselves about me.

I can practice not taking what other people say or do personally. I can decide that what other people do or say has way more to do with them than it does about me. I am not responsible for them. I am not responsible for making them feel a certain way. I can’t, even if I try to. I am responsible for me. I am responsible for what I say and do and how I show up in life.

I can practice not assuming the worst and not making up stories in my head with false or inaccurate information. I can choose to be brave and ask questions. I can try to understand where the other person is coming from. I can choose to ask myself what I can learn from the situation and if there is anything I need to take responsibility for.

I can choose to remember that conflict is part of being in relationships. Conflict is not the end of the world. Conflicts can be worked through with kindness and compassion and remembering we are both human.

I must choose not to catastrophize. Old me, and sometimes current me, catastrophizes everything, someone being disappointed in me, an argument with my husband, one of my parents saying they needed to talk to me, losing something important, not knowing an answer, being told I messed up. When I am triggered by one of these situations, I tend to overreact. I tend to spiral into self-loathing telling myself an unhelpful story about me.

When I do this, I am living from fear. Fear says, “Oh my gosh this is terrible.” Fear creates worrying, negative, despairing thoughts. Most of my life, I thought I had to believe the thoughts my brain offered me. Then I learned that I could decide what I wanted to think. I could say, “Thanks but no thanks brain, I believe that God is for me and with me and working everything together for my good.”

I am practicing awareness that when I feel my worth, value and/or contribution are being questioned, I’m triggered. If I feel others are saying I failed, then my brain starts telling the story, “You are a failure” (shame). Or if I feel rejected my brain goes into overwhelm, my emotional and thinking brain separate. I go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Depending on the situation or the person, I may get defensive, or I may shut down or I may want to run away. My thinking at this point is irrational, I literally cannot think straight because I feel threatened. In these situations, I tend to start telling myself a bad story about me. The negative thoughts I start thinking cause me to feel frustrated, sad, depressed, invaluable, unworthy, unloved.

This happens to all of us. We all have triggers that can cause us to go into overwhelm. When we perceive a threat, our natural human involuntary response has been called fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Whether or not the threat is real our body can respond by causing us to want to take action or escape or become immobile or trying to please the person who represents a threat. I tend to fawn. I start apologizing for being wrong whether I am or not. Only later, once my brain is back to functioning and I can assess the situation do I begin to understand the facts and see more clearly.

Life is hard sometimes. Relationships can be challenging. People will be mean intentionally or unintentionally. We will be mean sometimes intentionally or unintentionally. We will miscommunicate. People will miscommunicate. We will have misunderstandings. People will not understand. People will make mistakes. We will make mistakes. This is all part of life.

The good news is that we can develop skills. We can learn to regulate our emotions. We can practice awareness of our triggers. We can practice compassion and curiosity with ourselves and with others. We can practice choosing not to take what other people say and do personally because it probably has nothing to do with us. We can practice asking questions to understand instead of assuming the worst and filling in the story we are telling ourselves with false, usually negative, information.

This is not easy. I am using the word practice because this takes a lot of unlearning and relearning to get to this new place, but we can practice and develop the skills with time. This is an on-going process of becoming.

I have been practicing developing these skills for the past few years and sometimes still get triggered and can spiral into negativity. When I realize I am stuck in negativity, I have to choose to practice self-compassion. I choose to remind myself, “Of course you were initially hurt by what that person said but now remember you are a child of God. You are loved by The King. Nothing anyone does or says about you can take you from His hand. Your worth and value are in Jesus Christ who loves you completely.”

I have decided to practice believing I am loved; I am enough even if I don’t know the answer, or I lose something or I disappoint someone. I choose to practice self-compassion and stop beating myself up with my thoughts. I practice accepting my humanness.

I choose to live from love with faith instead of from fear. I choose to practice less judgement of myself or others. I choose to practice more gratitude and understanding. I choose to be responsible for myself and allow others to be responsible for themselves. Again, this is an on-going practice.

I always thought I was going to get to some place or stage of life where I had it figured out. I now know there is no such place. Instead, I choose to know, and remember, who I am as God’s child, loved and accepted no matter what. I have decided to practice intentionally choosing the thoughts I allow to ruminate in my brain. I practice intentionally choosing the story I am telling myself.

Keep seeking and discovering!