Today, I want to share with you some of my story, which is part of the reason behind me starting this blog. My hope in writing anything I share is that you will be encouraged to do your own work and trust God to empower you to create the life you want. I try to share what I am learning, discovering, struggling/wrestling with, and trying to implement in my own life in hopes that it may benefit you as well.

If I gave this part of my story a title, I would call it There Has to be a Better Way.

“We need to talk,” those were quickly becoming anxiety inducing words for me. On this July evening in 2013 we, my husband Dean and I, followed my dad outside to the driveway away from our boys who were playing video games inside. My dad proceeded to tell us that he had changed his mind and decided I could not go to work for him. Wait. What? I thought. We uprooted our family from a community we loved in Indiana to move here for me to learn the business and take over. Now he is saying he has changed his mind. My head was reeling. I was thinking, maybe we could go back to Indiana. Maybe Dean could get his old job back. Our house had not sold yet maybe we could just move back. I mean I guess I heard God wrong when I thought He was leading us here. Because why would He lead us here for this to happen?

Let me go back, during Christmas 2012, my mom and dad, sister and her family, my brother and cousin, came to Indiana for a week. Before that in the beginning of December, a church in Knoxville, TN called and offered Dean a job doing the same thing he was doing. I think Dean said something like, “Thanks, I’ll pray about it, but lightning would have to strike for us to move.” Then over the Christmas holiday while we were all playing a game my dad mentioned me working for him. At the time, I just didn’t say anything, but I kept thinking about it so a couple days later I asked him if he was serious.

Dean and I began talking and praying about the idea of moving to Tennessee. I was way more excited and at peace about the possibilities. We both visited the church in Knoxville that had offered Dean a job. A good friend of Dean’s from college worked at the church. The people seemed nice and excited about Dean coming.

I had grand visions about coming back to Tennessee. We had never lived near family so I thought we would have support and could have family dinners and celebrations. I thought being in Tennessee would give my parents the chance to get to know our boys better. I thought they would go to the boy’s school performances and sporting events. I have always been very loyal to family, travelled to spend time with them, and believed the best about them. I thought since God was calling us here that things would go smoothly. I thought we would transition well, meet new friends, make connections, and have community. God had always blessed me to do whatever He had called me to so I just knew He would equip, enable, and empower me to lead the company well.

We decided to leave Greenfield, the place we had grown to love, the home our boys had grown up in, all our friends, God had richly blessed me with good friends, all of us with friends, an amazing church, wonderful schools, we had connections in our little community, it was a crazy thing to do but we felt God had called us to move, and we said, okay and obeyed.

Then my parents said they were getting divorced. We weren’t sure if we should believe them because they’d said stuff like this my whole life. My entire high school experience was filled with what I called the three-month cycle. Three months were things seemed relatively okay and three months when my parents fought and threatened and said all kinds of things. But this time my mom moved in with her sister in Kentucky. My dad told us my mom was leaving him because she had found someone else. Other family secrets were revealed, and I was devasted, angered by the revelations. I felt that all I had been told my whole life had been a lie. I had so many questions and so much confusion. My parents said they were going to divorce amicably but then it got ugly.

So here we are a little over a month into being in Tennessee, and it has not been easy. There has been so much uncertainty and still is! I feel like I’m moving through a haze and I’m not sure what is in front of me or what I might bump into or what might happen next, but I guess life is always like that. Regret, doubt, confusion, anger, hurt, became my norm as I moved forward.

I felt like I was a child again, like my parents were treating me like a child. I felt crazy. Here I was an adult who had been living my life well on my own with my husband and three sons for the past 16 years now doubting everything. I did not trust others or myself very much. Old insecurities resurfaced trying to please and perfect and perform, do what I had always done, to gain acceptance and feel like I belonged. I was desperate for approval, desperate for people to like me and to love me. But I did not like, love, or accept myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I always messed up, and I was in emotional pain even though I did not know how to articulate it yet. I was just doing the best I could to survive, to keep going, pushing all my feelings down, putting a smile on my face and showing up. I had a husband and three sons to show up for. I still believed God would make a way.

Eventually, in January 2014, my dad said I could go to work but doing a different job at company. A few months after starting the job, I herniated a disc in my back and had to have my third back surgery. I was in physical and mental pain on top of the emotional pain. During this time, my parents seemed weird. They were talking/not-talking, then started spending time together. I felt like it was high school all over again with all the instability, unreliability, uncertainty, and unpredictability. I was recovering from surgery and trying to just do the best I could in all areas, at home, at work, at church, as a wife, mother, and daughter.

We were all adjusting. There was new everything: city, schools, church, schedules, work. We were searching for community trying to find our fit. We were feeling alone and doubtful. I felt like I was grasping, trying to control, to solve, to make better for all. At the same time, I was fearful of what might happen next. I was saying I believed in God and that He is love and can do anything but not knowing or resting in God’s goodness and grace and provision. I was physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally drained but trying to keep going.

Then in the fall of 2015, my mom got engaged to the guy she left me dad for. My dad allegedly assaulted my mom and her fiancé, all this added to my anger and confusion. It all felt broken. Because of the family drama, I was named President of the company in January 2016 since there was uncertainty about how everything would end up. Shortly after that, in the spring, my mom filed a lawsuit against my dad, sister, and I for decisions made about the company before their divorce. I felt more confusion and brokenness. I just didn’t understand why all this was happening to me. I did not see how any of it could be for my good. I wanted peace and calm and connection, but I had no idea how to get these things. I wanted to be a good godly wife and mother, but I felt like I was losing sight of what that looked like. My parents were telling me, individually, that they loved me but nothing they were doing felt loving. And in the winter of 2017, I began to fall apart, no longer able to just hold it all together, frustrated and overwhelmed by my life, desperate to discover a better Way. I had to acknowledge my pain, this took time and intentionality. I had to be willing to grieve what was lost, grieve what would never be, and start accepting what is. I had to be honest with myself.

Thankfully God. I kept praying. I kept seeking. I was listening to podcasts, sermons, and books. I heard a RobCast, in which Rob Bell talked about orientation, disorientation, reorientation, and I got a glimmer of hope. Then I listened to Brené Brown’s book Rising Strong and felt encouraged to seek help. I learned about her program The Daring Way, reached out to a facilitator in my area, a friend I had graduated high school with, and started doing the work in the summer of 2017.

I was unaware of the shame I was living in until I started The Daring Way. I thought it was normal to feel bad about yourself and beat yourself up. It seemed to be all I ever knew. I felt I was always making mistakes. I was always striving to fit in, to belong, to not do anything to “rock the boat.” I wanted to be accepted, appreciated, loved, even if I wasn’t sure what that looked like or felt like. The dysfunction was normal, expected, understood to some degree, maybe even comfortable. I was beginning to understand that my old ways of being were no longer serving me. I was desperate to discover a better way to live. I wanted to understand what love was, how it felt, how you showed it to people. I doubled down on integrity, on living well, and enjoying life.

Overtime, I began to realize wishing things were different or that people would change/be better was not helping. I began gathering the tools to do the work to be who I wanted to be, to create the life I wanted, regardless of the circumstances of my life. I started believing new things and telling myself a better story about myself and my life. It felt empowering. I stopped wishing people would be different and instead decided to do my internal work to be emotional strong no matter what was happening around me or what other people were doing. I came to realize I had no control over other people, what they did, how they responded or treated me. I learned I did have control over me, what I did, and how I showed up. I began doing the work to become my true self resilient and strong. I came to understand the power of my thinking to create my feelings which determines the results of my life.

I started building layer upon layer of understanding. I read scriptures, wrote out scriptures, and claimed scriptures as my own, daily. I repeated mantras of affirmation, all the time. I sang worship songs in my head throughout the day. I practiced stillness and quiet. I practiced awareness. I practiced listening for God. I practiced listening for my own deep knowing. And God. God kept providing as I was seeking: books, sermons, podcast, songs, conversations.

I thought I needed to eliminate the “bad” or hard stuff of life, but I came to understand I had to integrate all of it. Instead of being overtaken by my “waves” of emotions, I decided to learn to “surf.” I thought I could eliminate old ways of thinking or that if I messed up it meant I wasn’t improving, but I came to realize this is all part of it. I am a student of life, figuring it out as I go, as God reveals it to me. I can go with the flow, get curious about my feelings, and figure out the thought that is causing them and change that thought if I want to feel something different.

I decided to take what was helpful and beneficial and leave the rest. I had to let go of my need for certainty, which is impossible anyway, and accept life as it is. Realizing we all make mistakes, it is part of life, and practice not beating myself up. I learned to practice self-compassion, to be kind to me. I sought God out of curiosity and a desire for a relationship with Him not to prove a point or get something from Him. I developed my faith muscle. I practiced learning to be okay with not knowing and enjoying how things are. And slowly, inconsistently, and often with setbacks I began to move forward into hope.

I learned to set boundaries to stay in my values. Since I had figured out what my values were and what I wanted to create in my life. I practiced saying yes when I wanted to do something and no when I didn’t. I practiced receiving love. Practicing believing, I am worthy of love. I practiced believing my worth and value in Jesus Christ regardless of what anyone else thought or said. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I practiced and practiced and practiced managing my mind, intentionally thinking on Truth. Choosing the think thoughts that served me. Choosing to believe the best about others, assume good things, be responsible for the feelings I was creating. I came to realize I could not give others what I did not have so I would need to cultivate love, joy, peace, and hope in my life, intentionally nourishing me so I could show up well for others. Learning to truly accept God’s unconditional love for me so that I could in my best humanness reflect His unconditional love to others.

As a result, my relationships improved. My relationship with myself got better because I decided to like myself, take ownership for my life, and cultivate the life I want. My relationship with my husband expanded and deepened. My relationships with my boys grew and developed. God strengthened me. God encouraged me. God provided. God equipped, enabled, and empowered me. As I trusted more and more in His love for me. I began believing in and claiming the power of the Holy Spirit in me, helping me, always with me and available. I started having conversations with God all day long. Learning that I am God’s Beloved and with me He is well pleased. This is an on-going practice and process.

I came to realize that regardless of what was happening in my life externally I could create for myself the feelings I want internally. I came to realize that no one else had to do anything else differently for me to experience my best life. I came to understand the freedom in being responsible for me and trusting God that all will be well. My life is still full of ups and downs, failures and successes, joys and pains, trials, and celebrations. As I have grounded myself in God’s Truth, built my foundation in Him, He has activated His miracle and mystery in my life, expanding my capacity to accept all of life and feel all my emotions. He has given me the tools and helped me develop the skills to be responsible for me by managing my thoughts which generates the feelings that help me create and enjoy the life I want. And when I am working on me, I have less time to worry about what other people are doing which helps me be less judgmental. When I am working on me and staying grounded in God’s Truth, I am less likely to make what someone else says or does mean something bad about me. I am learning to practice accepting others as they are without expectations. Learning to stop trying to control other people, or change them, just love them. Again, this is a day by day, on-going process of becoming as I seek God as my source of everything.

As a result of all this work, I believe in and live a better Way. I trust myself, maybe for the first time ever, and I am still learning to be okay with me. I went from a rigid, limited, fearful, scarcity mindset faith to an open, expansive, hopeful, abundant mindset faith. I practice generating for myself what I need. Realizing the power of my thinking. Practicing and practicing and practicing. Believing, hoping, grounding, and centering myself on God’s Truth and in His love with expanded capacity to feel all my emotions. Practicing living in acceptance. Living a better Way.