I tried Christian counseling in 2016. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what I was doing wrong. I wanted to know what I needed to do to feel better. I quit going after a few months because I felt I was just rehashing my story and getting nowhere. The counselor said, “you have more tools than you think,” but I didn’t feel I knew how to use my tools in a helpful way and the counselor wasn’t giving me insights either.

This week I read an excerpt from the book Best of You by Dr. Alison Cook. The header says, “Spiritually Strong, Emotionally Struggling.” She says, “Every week in my work, I witness this inner tension. It happens to married women and those who are single, to moms, executives, and ministry leaders. All kinds of women are spiritually strong but emotionally struggling. If trusting in God was the cure, they would have been fixed. Yet here they are, sitting in my office, wondering, How did I get here? They’re overwhelmed, anxious, and running on empty. They feel like they’re doing everything they’ve been taught to do. They’re working hard, trying to be kind, even learning to care for themselves and set boundaries. Yet, they’re torn up on the inside. They believed God would help them, and still do. But each of them has bumped up against a painful reality: you can trust God and still feel anxious, lonely, overwhelmed, and broken inside.”

That was me back in 2016. That was how I felt and part of the reason why I decided to go to Christian counseling. I have not read the rest of her book Best of You, so I do not know what Dr. Cook recommends or what solutions she provides. I would like to share what I have found helpful as I have studied and researched and sought answers over the past several years.

For me, a big part of my transformation came as I learned to, trained myself to believe in God’s love for me. Not just believe that God is love but that God loves me, as I am, even if I never improve. Also, learning to, training myself to receive the love God has for me. Believing in His love for me and letting it sink deep into my soul. And, learning to, training myself to agree with who God says I am. I am a child of God. I am loved by The King. I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I am filled with grace and power. I am enough.

As I studied and read and listened to wise teachers, I came to understand emotions and how God created us. I accepted the fact that God gave us our emotions and what He created is good and He can help us to live with them instead of fight against them or try to get rid of them. I learned to name emotions, to not be afraid of my emotions, to feel them and not be controlled by them. Also, I realized I could learn from my emotions and become emotionally strong. Being willing to acknowledge my emotions, feel what I feel, and move through.

Learning that as I grow spiritually, I do not eliminate my emotions. The goal is not to reach a point where I never have negative emotions again. Emotions are part of life they do not go away. I realized there is nothing wrong with me for being emotional, but I also realized I can acknowledge my emotion, feel it, and process it. I decided to practice being kind to myself when I am experiencing an emotion. Too often I fight against my emotions or beat myself up for having them or doubt the progress I have made because I am still having them, or I buffer against them.

I now realize that I wanted someone to help normalize things for me. I went to see a counselor because I wanted someone to tell me I was okay, normal, that nothing had gone wrong. I wanted someone to say that life has an ebb and flow to it and sometimes we fight against the ebb. I wanted someone to tell me this is just a season, it would pass, emotions come and go. It wouldn’t be like this forever. I went seeking relief.

What were the tools I had? Prayer. Worship. Gratitude. Journaling. Listening to podcasts. Talking to a trusted friend. But I still struggled with the tension of thinking that I should be “better.” I thought I should be able to eliminate the negative unwanted emotions. I thought I was supposed to reach some point where I would be “fixed,” no longer feel anxious, overwhelmed, broken.

But thankfully God has shown me. Thankfully He has helped me to trust more completely in His Word when He says, “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). He tells us that our suffering produces endurance and character (Romans 5:3-5). He says, “to count it joy when we encounter trials of various kinds” (James 1:2-4). I had read these verses many times throughout my life. I knew this but for some reason I was still thinking it didn’t apply to my everyday life?!!? Or to me and my emotions?!

God’s Word also tells us, “To cry out to Him when we are brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:17-18). We are to seek Him when we are low, uncertain, doubtful, and trust He will help us (Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 29:11, Isaiah 41:10).

I decided to practice believing what God’s Word said was true for me. I decided to practice believing in the power of the Holy Spirit in me helping me in all circumstances and situations. I decided to practice thinking on Truth. I decided to tell myself a new story about my life. I decided to believe that God was for me and working for my good. I decided to believe that nothing has gone wrong. I decided to believe that I was not broken, in need of being fixed, but that I needed a Savior to restore my soul. I decided to believe in my ability to change me and in God’s ability to work a miracle in my life.

I started by practicing awareness. I began to observe my thoughts. I began to observe what I was telling myself and what I was believing. I began to observe what I was making other people’s words and actions mean about me. I began observing what I was making circumstances and situations mean. And I began intentionally thinking new positive beneficial Truth thoughts. I began to observe where I was shaming myself and blaming others. I began taking responsibility for what I was creating in my own life. And slowly day by day, moment by moment, I began to break negative cycles in my life.

Before I started this process, I often felt like I was a mess, and even as I progress along the way still do sometimes. I was not just overnight “better.” This is an on-going process. I am a work in progress. I keep seeking God. As I seek Him, He keeps guiding me, step by step. I keep seeking life changing help. He provides podcasts or books or speakers or songs, Truth wisdom of what I need to hear. I keep listening for/to my inner wisdom. And I just keep following and practicing and becoming and falling and getting up and moving forward ever so slowly. I keep putting myself in places where I can find healing. I keep practicing and believing and receiving. I keep showing up for me. Realizing that I am creating my reality with my thoughts about everything in my life.

I have come to understand that for whatever reason I had trained myself to be in the emotional state of fight, flight, fear, overwhelm, doubt, insecurity, worry. Then I looked at the people and circumstances in my life as the cause; my parents, a move, my job/work, my spouse, my children, change. I had trained myself to be addicted to the overwhelm, to the drama of life, so I was recreating it over and over again with my thinking. My body was just doing what I had trained it to do.

I had not learned yet that I was the one causing the overwhelm with my thinking. I did not know that our bodies like to stay the same, do what feels comfortable, not expend energy, and resist change. I did not know that our brains offer us unhelpful, negative thoughts in an effort to keep us safe. I had not learned the power I have to choose what I think. I thought my thoughts were true.  

But thankfully God has shown me. We have the power to choose what we think. What we think determines how we feel. From our feelings we take action. Our actions give us results which are our life.

I decide to think new thoughts. I realized the power I have to generate the feelings I want by thinking thoughts that create those feelings. I stopped looking to external things (spouse, children, job, parents, world) to determine how I felt and started generating for myself the emotions I wanted to feel. I had to retrain my brain and body to respond differently to external circumstances. I had to teach my brain and body how to be at peace, and how to live from abundance, and how to experience joy.

My body had been fighting for its life. My brain was doing the only thing it knew to do. But as God showed me, I began implementing new ways of being. I began practicing new thoughts. I began believing in and relying on the power of the Holy Spirit helping me. I learned to be gracious and kind to myself. As I practiced being gracious and kind to myself, I also became better at being gracious and kind to others.

I realized that nothing was wrong with me. I came to understand that something happened in my life that conditioned me to respond the way I did but that I could learn a new way. My terrible thoughts had been causing my terrible emotions. So, I had to practice thinking better new Truth thoughts. I decided to make my life different. I decided to make me different. Meaning being more loving, kind, fun, hopeful, and emotionally strong.

And. I just keep going. I keep showing up. I keep practicing. I keep believing. I keep reminding myself who I am, of God’s love for me, and practice not beating myself up when I fall back to old ways of being. I accept my humanness and remember my need for a Savior. I believe I can be spiritually and emotionally strong!

Thankfully we have a gracious heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally as we are, emotions and all. As we seek and trust Him, He does the work in our lives! It is a miracle and mystery.

He makes us spiritually AND emotionally strong!

Keep seeking and discovering!