How do we get to the point where we stop expecting others to make us feel good about ourselves and realize that we generate our feelings by our own thinking?

We think if they would just do “whatever,” or if they would change, or if they would meet my expectations, then I would feel better.

Too often we spend our energy trying to change our husband, or trying to change our children, or trying to change “whatever” that is out of our control. The stuff outside of us. The only thing we can control is how we THINK about the stuff outside of us.

If we think it is our husband, our kids, our job, the media, the state of the world, etc., causing us to feel how we feel then we need all those things to change in order for us to show up the way we think we want to show up in the world. If we think something else has to change for us to feel peace and joy, we can only ever have peace and joy if that thing changes. (Which rarely happens.) Needing something else to change for us to feel different/better, places us at the effect of our lives. This can leave us feeling powerless, like a victim, like we are being acted upon; our life is happening to us.

When we realize that it is all up to us, that we are responsible for what we are creating in our lives no matter what our circumstances – it is SO empowering! Nothing has to change for us to feel better or for us to show up well.

We decide to renew our minds and take our thoughts captive, then we begin to see our situations and people in our lives differently. The power to create our realities was given to us by God. It is enlivened by His powerful Words. We are the creators of our own experiences. We spend time with God, and He transforms us. He helps us to see our lives differently. We choose to think on His Truth not the lies and falsehoods of this world. There is a miracle and mystery to it!

We take responsibility for what our thoughts are creating for us.

The stories we tell ourselves with our thinking are optional. Too often we are telling ourselves a sad story about ourselves, our marriage, our life, our work. We choose! We can tell ourselves a better story!

We usually want a certain thing from a person, for them to be or do a certain way. When we do this, we are diminishing the person and missing what they do bring and are offering. We get a skewed perception of how we think things should be and miss the beauty of what is. We are all different, uniquely gifted, with something to offer. We must be open to receive.

I used to get upset and think that Dean was not meeting my needs. He wasn’t being supportive enough, wasn’t giving me enough words of affirmation, or wasn’t helping around the house enough, but I have come to realize, it was just my thinking!

If I am looking for all the ways he is not doing something, then my brain is going to look for the evidence to prove my thoughts true. So, if I am thinking he is not doing enough to help around the house, then I will be unconsciously looking for what he is not doing and miss all the things he actually is doing.

If I think Dean should call or text me during the day sometimes, checking in to see how I am doing or being encouraging, and then he doesn’t, I am the one who feels let down. It is possible that I could begin to think he doesn’t care. Or if I think Dean should be asking me out on dates, being intentional about us spending time together, and he doesn’t, then I feel disappointed. It is possible that I could begin thinking he doesn’t see spending time with me as important or he would rather spend his time doing something else.

We tend to fill in the stories we make up in our heads with misinformation, half-truths, and negative assumptions, that usually are not what the other person is thinking or intending. When we make up stories in our heads that do not serve us and make the other person “bad,” we are the ones that feel the disappointment, or anger, or resentment.

I have come to understand the power of my thinking! The power I have to choose what I think on, which then creates feelings in me that lead to the actions I take. I have the power to change my thinking!

What we look for, we will see. What we think about we will make happen. Our brains want to make our thoughts come true.

I can think about how awesome Dean is, how he loves me and our boys well. I can think on his amazing leadership of our family. I can think on what a Christ-like example he is, how he shows grace, kindness, and love to others so easily. When I think loving thoughts about Dean then I feel loving feeling towards him.

I can choose to think about how I like to plan events and figure things out that we can do to invest in our relationship. Then when I think about my giftedness to do this for us, I have feelings that motivate me to be deliberate about planning activities for us.

I used to think Dean should know what I need. Often, I don’t even know what I need how in the world is he supposed to know. I am the best person to support me, affirm me, and take good care of me.

If we are dependent on how others treat us or what they do or do not do to make us feel better, then that leaves us hopeless and helpless. We essentially give our power away to other people. We make them responsible for us.

It is not their job to make us feel good. We are not entitled to another person making us happy.

Our job is to take captive our thoughts and decide what the situation is calling me to be. I choose to let go of what I thought it was supposed to be and change the way I am telling myself the story to help me become more of who I want to be.

We can take our power back! We take responsibility for ourselves. We choose our thinking and generate what we need for ourselves.

We must be intentional about how and what we think.

The thoughts we think generate the feelings we have. From our feelings we act, those actions give us the results of our lives. When we think thoughts that generate love, we feel love, and we act in loving ways.

When we are not dependent on others for how we feel, we show up better. We show up in love, kindness, and grace, without an agenda, just ready to love and support and enjoy the other people in our lives.

We are the best person to give ourselves what we need. We support, encourage, and love us. From that place of love and emotional adulthood, thinking on Truth, relying on God, we experience love, joy, peace, and can offer those things to others.

It won’t be easy. It is simple but the work is hard.

Let’s take responsibility for ourselves! For what we think! For what we create!

You have way more power than you realize! Use it well!