Recently a lady told me that her daughter had told her, “You make me feel bad about me.” Or something close to that, basically that the daughter felt bad because of what the mom said.

We think that what other people say to us makes us feel the way we feel, but I have learned that it is our thinking about what they said that causes our feelings.

No one can make you feel a certain way.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think you can insert any emotion here. No one can make you feel ___________ without your consent. No one can make you feel less than, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, not smart enough, unqualified, disrespected, angry, bitter, resentful, etc., without your consent.

It is our thinking about whatever they said that makes us feel.

We choose what we make their words mean.

We can choose to not make their words mean anything bad about us. We can choose not to think poorly or negatively about ourselves.

We can choose to believe the best about the other person. We can choose to think they were well intentioned with what they said.

I am not saying this is easy.

I believe God made us with all our emotions AND with the power to take our thoughts captive. Therefore, I know that we can pay attention to our thinking and practice thinking new thoughts. We can rewire our brains as Dr. Caroline Leaf would say.

When someone says something that causes you to feel judged or not good enough, ask yourself what am I making what they said mean about me.

If someone says something that I think causes me to feel bad about me, that I am not good enough, I can get curious and pay attention to my thinking.

I can choose to think, they are so unkind, judgmental, self-righteous, who are they to tell me what to do. If I think these kinds of thoughts, I am most likely going to feel possibly angry, not good enough, unloved.

Are you catching this, I am causing myself to feel this way with my thinking? The person who said things to me isn’t feeling it, I am. And our bodies get really good at making “cocktails” inside us that match our thoughts. If I get curious and chase the thought down, I’ll find that I am making what they said mean something about me, a belief I am holding onto about myself.

The other option is I can think, they care for me so much and want me to live my best life and they are giving me advice based on their experience in an effort to help me, they are so kind and thoughtful and love me so much. What kinds of feelings am I most likely going to create thinking these thoughts? Love, joy, peace, feel good about me, believe I am capable of great things, believe that they are on my side.

Do you see the difference?

A few years ago, I was staying with a friend, one morning over coffee I was sharing a story and my friend said, “You are so loud.” At the time I was taken a back and felt hurt by their words. I don’t remember exactly how I responded but most likely I apologized and ended my story quickly and quietly, then said less the rest of the day. But now after much mind-management practice I would probably respond, “You are right I tend to get loud when I am excited and/or passionate about something.” I would be okay with how I am and try to remember in the future that this friend prefers me to be quieter.

Another example is one time someone told me, “You look like a clown.” I was wearing my favorite outfit at the time and on my way to give a presentation. I was saddened by their words and a little shocked. Now I might still be initially saddened but I would choose to think it is okay that we don’t have the same style or taste in clothing.

We choose what we think! We choose what we make the words other people say mean for us.

Our thoughts are powerful!

If a co-worker is, in your opinion, rude to you, instead of getting angry and mirroring her rudeness you could ask yourself is there any truth in what she is saying. You could think maybe she is having a bad day. And remember that what she says reflects more of who she is not who you are.

We choose what we make other people’s words mean for us. We don’t have to absorb everything people say to us. We can recognize our feelings, acknowledge them, and let them go. We choose.

We can start paying attention to our thinking, chasing down the unhelpful thoughts, taking them captive and then claiming truth, thinking new thoughts that generate the feelings we want to have.

God made us able to do this! We are capable! We are resilient! We are fearfully and wonderfully made! God loves us and wants good things for us! He wants to enjoy the life He has given us! With the people He has blessed us with!

Keep seeking and discovering His better Way!