A few years ago, around Valentine’s Day, I got angry, frustrated, and sad by the use of the word love. It felt to me like people used the word love for everything. People say they love their car, they love a type of food, they love a video game, and so on and so forth. The word love felt overused to me, and I felt it was not used correctly. But the bigger problem for me was when people say they love you but then shame you or guilt you or try to manipulate you, so their words and actions do not feel loving. Or people say they love you and then expect you to be a certain way for them to continue to love you. I think Valentine’s love was the straw that broke this camel’s back. I had been pushing forward, saying I was fine, doing what needed to be done, but inside I had been slowly “dying.”

One of my values is integrity. I really like Brené Brown’s definition of integrity. “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”

I believe that if you profess love, then you should practice showing love with your words and actions.

I understand that we are going to make mistakes. We are going to have “bad days,” or overreact because we are sick or tired or overwhelmed or whatever, in a moment. When we are unloving or unkind or “mess-up,” we should apologize and make amends. We need to be offering grace to ourselves and to others, remembering we are human. But unloving words and actions should not be the norm, they should be the exception.

I shared Brené Brown’s definition of love a couple weeks ago but I think it is worth sharing again. “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Part of the reason I got so upset with the use of the word love was because there were people in my life who seemed to be choosing what was fun, fast, and easy over what was right. They were professing one thing and doing another. They were shaming and blaming me, had even betrayed me, and took no responsibility for their actions. Their poor choices, their irresponsibility, their words, and actions were directly affecting me, my life. At the same time, these people were saying that they loved me, but nothing about what they were doing felt loving.

There were a series of events and circumstances that led to my “love-breakdown.” And I say “breakdown” because at one point my husband found me on the floor in my closet crying. I am extremely blessed to have a loving, wise, godly husband who listens wells and speaks Truth into my life. We were able to see that I needed some help getting to a better frame of mind. Sometimes we need help to see our own lives. I had tried Christian counseling about 6 months before this, for a few months, but just didn’t feel like it was helping. I was reading books, listening to podcast, crying out to God in prayer, but I just felt helpless and like something was wrong with me.

One of the books I read during this time was Rising Strong by Brené Brown. In the book she mentioned her program The Daring Way. I ended up reading all her books and googling The Daring Way to find a certified facilitator in my area. It took me a couple weeks to have the courage to email a facilitator, but I finally did, and I am so thankful. The Daring Way work was transformative for me. Discovering words to name how I felt, realizing I was not alone in my struggle, learning about values, and to practice awareness, learning the difference between shame and guilt, and so much more, was encouraging, insightful, and helpful. The work gave me hope for change. Not change for the people in my life who said one thing and did another. Change for me. I learned about practicing kindness and compassion for myself. I learned about setting healthy boundaries to stay in my values. Along the way, I discovered that I have way more power than I realized, the power to choose what I think. And I was reminded of Truths I had forgotten. I realized there is nothing wrong with me, this is all just part of being human. We have emotions but I don’t have to a scared of or overwhelmed by my emotions. I realized and developed the skills to feel any emotion and be okay because I don’t allow my emotions to control me. I can feel any emotion, get curious about them, learn from them, then move through them to greater Joy on the other side.

I keep seeking and discovering. I read books, listen to podcast, and talk to God all the time. I have found that God always provides. When we seek, we will find. He provides counselors, authors, songwriters, preachers, teachers, friends, who help me name the thing, give me words to understand and validate my experience, when I ask for His help. He provides Peace, and Hope, and Strength, and Joy, and Joy-filled sadness at times.

One of the things I did after my “love-breakdown” was I sought to understand and show love, Christ-like, unconditional love. I stop using the word flippantly, for a while I stop using the word altogether. If I said I loved someone or something I wanted there to be truth and meaning behind my words. I wanted the person I told “I love you” to feel loved by me. I doubled down on love, specifically love for my husband, Dean, and our three sons. And God worked, and moved, and helped me to transform. It is a process I am still in as I practice showing up with love. I ask God daily to equip, enable, and empower me to love well, because I know it is only by resting in His love for me that I am able to love others well.

Keep seeking and discovering, friend! May we be found resting in God’s love for us! Knowing are worth and value are in Him, who He says we are, not in anything else. From this place of knowing Love, may we show up in our words and actions with love for others! May each of our lives be a beautiful Love story!

Let the inner movement of your heart always be to love one another, and never play the role of an actor wearing a mask. Despise evil and embrace everything that is good and virtuous. Romans 12:9 TPT

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Romans 12:9 NLT